Listen to Becs advise the Telegraph
“Intentions are invisible...we assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t.”
In a dispute we often look for agreement and fail to get it. What we should be aiming for is respect and understanding.
We may not change our opinions but can we change the lens in which we see the dispute.
In the book Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. It says: “difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations and values… They are not about what is true, they are about what is important.
Focusing instead on understanding… allows us to learn about the real causes of the problem, and to work to correcting them”
In a disagreement, we naturally want to get our point of view across and defend ourselves. But in doing that, we don’t make progress, and things can escalate without ever getting to the root of the problem. What we need to move towards is what the book calls “learning conversations”.
Difficult Conversations states, “Intentions are invisible” and “we assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t.” The case perfectly illustrates this. Our different perceptions and interpretations significantly impact how we act and view others, but they are often incorrect or incomplete. When these perceptions are brought into the open, discussed, and understood, people can gain insights that enable them to see their contributions, better understand each other, and find ways to prevent future misunderstandings.
How to have a learning conversation:
Explore each other’s stories aiming to understand the situation.
Share what impact it had on you and ask what impact it had on them.
Try to understand the contribution you could have made. Understanding our own impact and part in the conflict can help others to then see theirs too.
Describe your own feelings and listen to others without judgment. – it would not be a difficult conversation if feelings were not part of it.
Understand your own and others self identity fears are relevant; the fear of how you will be seen (eg wanting to say no to something but worrying people will judge you as being lazy or inconsistent, or being nervous to ask for a raise and thought of as greedy).
Problem solve solutions together – what would stop this from happening again in the future?